Margaritas & miaows

flashes of depression

And my heart hurts today – I actually feel physical strings of love aches, or unhappy aches or jouyous singing so I think its really stupid when people say the mind is where all the emotions are – I actually actually feel the pain the left side of my chest (that’s where the heart is supposed to be not the cortex or semicoretx or cerebellum or any other part assigned to the emotional blather we feel.

I’m sad because I hit husband much harder than I meant to last night when he was singing annoying pepsi jungles when all I really meant to do was a gentle shut up you smack!! And now he is mad at me and I didn’t get a good-bye kiss in the morning and if I have an accident today, he’ll feel really bad he didn’t give me the statutory good morning kiss – and I said I’m sorry like four times. Not once, not twice not thrice four times. I haven’t yet got a corresponding forgiven sms.

And I’m also worried about the slow selling in Europe on the sweaters, because I haven’t any confirmed orders yet and frankly there is only so much goofing off I can do – after sometime I really need to be busy and useful or feel busy and useful

I’m also really wishing I had picked a vocational skill for which I had more aptitude and I could pick up and take with me wherever I went. The garment industry is very hard to survive in if you are on the smaller side of mid-size. The bigger customers come to you when you have the size and scale but I’m worried about getting into a bigger scale, because the sweater business is seasonal and I would be stuck with empty machines and labourers.

So, I’m worried, unhappy and wishing I could undo the smack and let husband sing his silly song. Not a fun almost-the-weekend mood I know. The weekends don’t seem so special now anyway, because my weeks are also dull and non-hectic. And this mood is not me, since I’m congenitally manically chirpy. Maybe I’m getting older??

posted by Nish @ 9:41 AM